Break of light

For one last time he locked himself in, determined to never get out

Caved into depths to hide all the pain, or maybe it was just the shame

Still fresh with the cuts from his last escape, hiding it all behind his face

Then something happened out of the blue, the monster had no clue

A maiden walked through the deserted plains, shining her light into his cage

In the lit night he could see a face, telling a story far greater than fame

Made of strength, strong of will, forged by the beats on the great anvil

Shaped through time, moulded to hold, all the stories she never told

For he could see his past and future in a blink, in the eyes of the teller he now dreamed to behold

The efforts may go in vain, but he still gathered the muscle and broke the chains

While the maiden slowly disappears into the night, he charges towards her light

Never will the beast be chained, set free by the elusive Dame

A Monster Calls

Couple of days back (after being tilted during a Dota 2 game), I thought of watching a movie. It had been a while since I watched any, especially with all the TV series that keep me more than occupied. Choosing a movie wasn’t really difficult with the name Liam Neeson in the cast popping up.

A boy seeks the help of a tree monster to cope with his single mother’s terminal illness.

A Monster Calls‘ isn’t exactly the most riveting title and frankly, despite the cast, I did not expect much from this nearly 2-hour movie but I was in for a surprise.

Based on the book by Patrick Ness, it is a story about a young boy named Conor living with his single mom. It is the journey of Conor through a tough period in school with bullies to his terminally ill mother suffering from cancer, and how he creates this imaginary ‘monster’ to help find his strength in such a time.

The movie does remarkably well to capture the pain and the ceaseless cycle of hope that your loved one would recover – both emotionally as well as visually. A tearjerker.

 

Forgotten

The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. It’s being forgotten by someone you would never forget.

It just seemed like a good quote to ponder over until it actually hit me in reality a few months back.

I was not happy being surrounded by people who once were the closest to me and now had just seamlessly forgotten me. While I would try and come up with something to talk about, do together, it was rarely replicated – even worse is that I would only be remembered when they needed some help. Every day became a reminder of how miserable it is to have lost those people. I had recently quit my job (reason for which deserves a separate post) and thought that this can also be a ‘test’ (whether I’m out of sight out of mind?) – it proved what I already feared.

Now don’t get me wrong, some did (and still) care and I have let then down by isolating myself completely over the last month; and I’m sorry, I would try to make things better.

But what this break showed me was, after everything, all you ever have is yourself and nothing more. Everything, everyone else just comes and goes.

Loosing yourself and others

You ever thought you meant more to a person than they actually did about you? To an extent when you are sure they aren’t even thinking about you? And everytime you try to fix/confront the issue – it just gets worse.

It hurts, it breaks you from the inside and all you want to do is get away from absolutely everyone. That’s what I am feeling right now. I thought we knew each other well, understood, cared – much more than acquaintances. Maybe we did, until recently. To be honest, it is not the first time this has happened; that said, it doesn’t get any easier even the second or third time around.

I have been sensing this for under a year now, and had gone through an array of emotions – from feeling left out, trying to decipher, holding on to the past, of course jealousy (yes, I accept that), and ultimately resorting to reclusion (but failed at it several times). While, admittedly, these do seem childish and scream of insecurities, these are reactions but the underlying cause is something I have been giving a thought to.

Once misunderstanding, twice mistake but third time surely a habit. How could you let/force so many people away from you but all under the same circumstamces? I can’t blame them. Deep down I think that I was designed this way – to be able to understand everyone but not have a single person get what I think.

I used to be fine with this, few years back. Somethings changed, and maybe I tried to change as well – and failed. I would just take one thing away from all of this, i.e., I have to find myself, the part of me which I gave it away too easily. Maybe it takes me weeks or month, but that is a journey I have to make.

Expectations and favours?

Me: Tell me more about what you wanted in ABC project, I would work on that. It would help me take my mind off other things that I have going on.
X: I don’t no whether you do all this and expect more out of me.. because we have been just the same
Me: Nope, I do not
X: I don’t want to give any work. I generally don’t like to tell others
Me: Not just to me? I only thought you wanted to work on it that’s why
X: I want to do it.. But why should I get it done by you. It is a lot of work sometimes and I don’t like to keep favours.
Me: Because you think I would expect something more from you? Did I ever call in a favour?
X: It seems so by these conversations. You don’t but you expect, that’s only natural.

How can I ever be the same after this conversation? Neither that I expect the other person to behave the same way as earlier after this. But what are the chances that two people have felt this way – especially after I thought we knew each other well enough. Maybe that is the problem – I thought.

Golden

So I came across few posts from a friend and was overwhelmed by what, I think, that person is or was going through. I don’t want this to come across as an insensitive to a situation which is far more serious, personal – which I don’t have any right to comment on. It is just that few days back I woke up to this feeling of trying to capture these emotions into words, and this just followed along.

So here it goes:

I could see the change, I could feel the pain
By the words that she let out, in silent reign
Oh the scars that only some could see
She locked her heart, threw away the key

Won’t let anyone in, hurt as she has many times been
Has learned to numb away the pain, hesitant to let herself out again
But you pick yourself, dust off, keep on and walk on
With a broken shattered, yet a golden, unwavering heart

I don’t know why it aches, why did it all fall down and break
But you pull it all off, with a smile, and whatever it takes
While the memories keep washing up the lake

And there are moments when it may get too hard
You don’t want the world to see while the pieces fall apart
But you pick yourself, dust it, keep it and walk on
With a broken shattered, yet a golden, unwavering heart

Invisible

Maybe it is easier to be invisible, distance yourself from all the clutter, to make your way through life the way you want, to not have any expectations from people around you; and while you might get spurts of “loneliness”, you want to be in control of what happens to you.

Most of us spend our time in being accepted by people around us, or trying to fulfil the expectations (or setting expectations from people which may, more often than not, ultimately let us down) – and in all of this, we tend to get distracted from what is needed to make yourself happy.

Probably you feel ignored by people you love the most, being replaced in a blink of an eye, or having unfulfilled expectations (that you set because you expected them to reciprocate the same for you); these are some of the hardest moments you face when it happens with people you care the most about (and think that they do too – maybe not the ‘most’ to be honest).

Invisibility comes with advantages – to move past life, under the radar, no one knowing your mistakes but most importantly the power to see the world through others’ eyes as they show you their truest nature. Everyone gives themselves away when they are alone; that is the power – and it comes with its tradeoffs.

Hardwired

Do I really care as much? Maybe the fact that I still wonder about it means there is some part which still does care.. trying to fix things, yet questioning every move for some never ending circle of validation.

People say things, and it is easy to be hurt by it. Yet you try and find the reason, anything to justify their stance by looking at the situation from their eyes, and often boiling it down to a scenario where you could have averted that.

The way I see this is, there is something beautiful about all of it. Yes, you would feel let down by people (a lot of times!), ignored or even invisible. But what truly amazes me is, you don’t do this to please anyone, don’t get bogged down by these emotions (maybe in certain moments, but you recover soon enough) and you want to do this all over again because deep down you’d hope that everyone does the same.

Too idealistic, though once in a while you have to shed this and do something for yourself, selfish without having to scour all the numerous possibilities, let go of these limits and go after the things that you really want.

And I would do all of this, the entire cycle, over and over again.

Thoughts, ramblings, food adventures, occasional song shares, tech stuff and some Liverpool talk.