You ever thought you meant more to a person than they actually did about you? To an extent when you are sure they aren’t even thinking about you? And everytime you try to fix/confront the issue – it just gets worse.
It hurts, it breaks you from the inside and all you want to do is get away from absolutely everyone. That’s what I am feeling right now. I thought we knew each other well, understood, cared – much more than acquaintances. Maybe we did, until recently. To be honest, it is not the first time this has happened; that said, it doesn’t get any easier even the second or third time around.
I have been sensing this for under a year now, and had gone through an array of emotions – from feeling left out, trying to decipher, holding on to the past, of course jealousy (yes, I accept that), and ultimately resorting to reclusion (but failed at it several times). While, admittedly, these do seem childish and scream of insecurities, these are reactions but the underlying cause is something I have been giving a thought to.
Once misunderstanding, twice mistake but third time surely a habit. How could you let/force so many people away from you but all under the same circumstamces? I can’t blame them. Deep down I think that I was designed this way – to be able to understand everyone but not have a single person get what I think.
I used to be fine with this, few years back. Somethings changed, and maybe I tried to change as well – and failed. I would just take one thing away from all of this, i.e., I have to find myself, the part of me which I gave it away too easily. Maybe it takes me weeks or month, but that is a journey I have to make.