Jason Reeves – Reaching

An incredible song by Jason Reeves.. just read those words..

You’re inches from my fingertips
I’ve come as close as I can get
I’m reaching but the rest is up to you
Yeah, ’cause I don’t ever wanna miss
Being here with you like this
I’m trying but it’s all that I can do
I’m reaching but the rest is up to you

Now let the song take you away.

Misunderstandings

It has been couple of weeks since I came to actualization that life isn’t fair (maybe I was too naive). I know it seems too cliche because you have heard this so many times before, however there comes a moment when it strikes you – not because people told you but when you have faced the reality.

Like I said in an earlier post, you need to draw the line at some point – which clearly divides what you can, want and what you really need. Obviously it’s not as easy as merely saying it. In the last fews weeks, there have been few disagreements with some of the people I really hold close to my heart – what hurts more is the part that I let them down, led to this confusion (when I really didn’t mean to) and then reacted in stupid/childish ways. Some might say, it’s the way of life, people come around if they are meant to, give them time and things would be alright and so on. But that just eats me up owing to the fact that it was all my undoing, and I should have done better.

Let me rewind it a little so that there is a bit more of perspective to what I am referring to. A month or two back I had stumbled upon something which really enlightened me on the way that I looked at myself, others, my interaction with people, and how they perceived my behaviour (I will come back to this specific topic in a while). This came around the time when things weren’t really going well and I was at a loss of a reason to figure out the ‘why’ of it all (I think that might be worth a different post). This is when I tried out the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test and the outcome was INFJ, sometimes referred to as Counselors who are apparently the rarest type, making up only 1% or less of the population.

Uteliggeren - No One is Only What you SeeWe are extremely private, very observant, little bit creative, highly sensitive and sometimes downright obsessive. I believe the first few aspects are usually visible to all whenever they come across any person with such traits but what really makes or breaks us (INFJs) is the sensitivity. We feel the emotions in the most surreal of manners – not only our own, but also of the people who we care about. It really tears us apart to not being able to help out in any given situation. Although the world doesn’t sees it as our problem to deal with, we (for some unknown reason) feel the personal responsibility to do everything in our capacity to help out.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? Would have nearly seemed like I was bragging about it. Well, there is a flipside to that. The emotional awareness and high sensitivity puts us up in a situation where we, at times, do more harm to ourselves and others. It takes a toll on us to continuously put our mind in the other person’s shoes for every single conversation that we have with them – often not realizing that we might just be making it way more complicated than it was supposed to be. We dwell in them by playing through all the scenarios right down to the worst possible outcome. This can easily go on to an unhealthy level where you can’t think clearly enough, but still feel the urge to resolve a problem – which in several of the recent cases were due to poor judgement on my part.

While I thought I was being open-hearted to them and thought (to myself) that being completely honest about the circumstances would be the best way forward, it clearly didn’t turn out that way. I presumed that I could balance all the different emotions, live up to all the expectations (others’ as well as my own) and still be able to be true to myself. But as it turns out.. what you do, what you get and more importantly ‘why’ would not necessarily be seen the way you meant it; all you would be left with is the feeling of being misunderstood as you go through life yearning for the people to really get you.

Sometimes all of this just makes me think, shouldn’t I take a few steps back and keep it all to myself? In the past, I have ‘relapsed’ on this thought several times and not sure if it is actually possible but it becomes a mental conflict when this comes in the way of harmony with the people I care about. Maybe I am a sucker for all of this. All that said, I am really sorry to have hurt the people who put their trust and faith in me.

Photo: “Uteliggeren – No One is Only What you See” by Anne Worner / CC BY-SA 2.0

PS: I used to think I had good command over written words but given how things have gone down recently, the following message sums it up perfectly. (Maybe its easier to choose the words when you are writing a message on behalf of someone else as you don’t have to face the response)

Pain is your own reality

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

Jim Morrison

No Good in Goodbye

I suppose there comes a time in all of our lives when you just have to move on and let it go . While people come and go in our lives like the wind – you want to stay with in some of those windy places because you really enjoy the calm and peace that you experience there. But every once in a while, things change and possibly even a bad weather spell leads us to not feel the same way about the place anymore.

At some point, you have to accept the fact that you have done too much for too little to come out of it. Not saying that you have to give up and not try to make things right, but what you need to (or rather have to) is to draw a line – which separates your heart and your mind, your desires and your beliefs, your hopes (realistic) and your dreams, desperation and determination; a line at which you say, this is me!

If it is still meant to be, then it shall be. If not, you learnt a lesson – one of many – which will come your way, for which all you can do is accept and move on.

If you leave someone atleast tell them why because what's more painful than being abandoned is knowing you're not worth an explanation. Image Source

A short story, dark

Few office friends were sharing short dark story write-ups, which I wasn’t particularly interested in at first (didn’t get what would be so exciting about it, still don’t) but the one thing led to another and I was challenged (kinda) that I was too ‘not dark-minded’ and couldn’t come up with a good one.

Well, gauntlet was thrown and here is what I came up with:

The shadow moved across the hallway like the cold winter wind, tearing through the curtains and cutting into the embodiment of his soul as he lay staring into the mirror. All that he could see in the reflection was the glistening teeth making its way through the blood-bathed body – of himself. His evil had come around for him, for all those lay in his wake before didn’t stand a chance.

Okay, so I know it isn’t that mindblowing and that this wouldn’t send chills down the spine but I am pretty pleased with the result (and so were they, atleast for something which I came up in 10 mins). Shall I continue writing more of them? *grins*

Hammer drop at Anfield

After a good performance at the Emirates, Brendan Rodgers continued with the same lineup as West Ham visited Anfield for what was the home debut for Roberto Firmino, while James Milner filled in the captain’s position in absence of Jordan Henderson who is was unable to make a full recovery after picking up a knock in the last game.

The game got off to a terrible start for the home side as Manuel Lanzini scored 3 minutes into the game. And soon enough, the visitors doubled their lead when Mark Noble slotted the ball into the bottom right corner from center of the box after a continued spell of pressure.

In less than 10 minutes into the second half, Philippe Coutinho picked up his second yellow card (harshly I might say as the the player seemed to bump into him) after first getting just before half time. That dismissal essentially put the nail in the coffin for Reds’ confidence and the game was huff and puff affair with intermittent bursts of attacks from our side – needless to say, none of them materialized into a clear opportunity.

The Referee leveled the red card count when Noble was booked (again, for a challenge which really didn’t deserve a straight red) after having already blown the whistle for a West Ham free-kick (at the edge of their own penalty box) as he deemed it to be too strong. However, the momentum of the game didn’t change much as we failed to create little to any chances to make a comeback.

While defence has really proved to be a weak point for us, with just Benteke playing upfront, at home, and even after being 2-0 down really sparks the question of our attacking intent.

And into stoppage time, Diafra Sakho puts the game to rest (as if there was any doubt – even with 7 minutes added on) by capitalizing on some defensive slip-ups (nothing new here) to end the game with the final scoreline of Liverpool 0-3 West Ham United.

Needless to say, worst thing that could have happened to us going into the game with Manchester United. Rodgers out? It appears his Fergie time is on and he would soon run out of it if such appalling performances continue.

 

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