Tag Archives: Pain

A Monster Calls

Couple of days back (after being tilted during a Dota 2 game), I thought of watching a movie. It had been a while since I watched any, especially with all the TV series that keep me more than occupied. Choosing a movie wasn’t really difficult with the name Liam Neeson in the cast popping up.

A boy seeks the help of a tree monster to cope with his single mother’s terminal illness.

A Monster Calls‘ isn’t exactly the most riveting title and frankly, despite the cast, I did not expect much from this nearly 2-hour movie but I was in for a surprise.

Based on the book by Patrick Ness, it is a story about a young boy named Conor living with his single mom. It is the journey of Conor through a tough period in school with bullies to his terminally ill mother suffering from cancer, and how he creates this imaginary ‘monster’ to help find his strength in such a time.

The movie does remarkably well to capture the pain and the ceaseless cycle of hope that your loved one would recover – both emotionally as well as visually. A tearjerker.

 

Forgotten

The worst feeling isn’t being lonely. It’s being forgotten by someone you would never forget.

It just seemed like a good quote to ponder over until it actually hit me in reality a few months back.

I was not happy being surrounded by people who once were the closest to me and now had just seamlessly forgotten me. While I would try and come up with something to talk about, do together, it was rarely replicated – even worse is that I would only be remembered when they needed some help. Every day became a reminder of how miserable it is to have lost those people. I had recently quit my job (reason for which deserves a separate post) and thought that this can also be a ‘test’ (whether I’m out of sight out of mind?) – it proved what I already feared.

Now don’t get me wrong, some did (and still) care and I have let then down by isolating myself completely over the last month; and I’m sorry, I would try to make things better.

But what this break showed me was, after everything, all you ever have is yourself and nothing more. Everything, everyone else just comes and goes.

Loosing yourself and others

You ever thought you meant more to a person than they actually did about you? To an extent when you are sure they aren’t even thinking about you? And everytime you try to fix/confront the issue – it just gets worse.

It hurts, it breaks you from the inside and all you want to do is get away from absolutely everyone. That’s what I am feeling right now. I thought we knew each other well, understood, cared – much more than acquaintances. Maybe we did, until recently. To be honest, it is not the first time this has happened; that said, it doesn’t get any easier even the second or third time around.

I have been sensing this for under a year now, and had gone through an array of emotions – from feeling left out, trying to decipher, holding on to the past, of course jealousy (yes, I accept that), and ultimately resorting to reclusion (but failed at it several times). While, admittedly, these do seem childish and scream of insecurities, these are reactions but the underlying cause is something I have been giving a thought to.

Once misunderstanding, twice mistake but third time surely a habit. How could you let/force so many people away from you but all under the same circumstamces? I can’t blame them. Deep down I think that I was designed this way – to be able to understand everyone but not have a single person get what I think.

I used to be fine with this, few years back. Somethings changed, and maybe I tried to change as well – and failed. I would just take one thing away from all of this, i.e., I have to find myself, the part of me which I gave it away too easily. Maybe it takes me weeks or month, but that is a journey I have to make.

Expectations and favours?

Me: Tell me more about what you wanted in ABC project, I would work on that. It would help me take my mind off other things that I have going on.
X: I don’t no whether you do all this and expect more out of me.. because we have been just the same
Me: Nope, I do not
X: I don’t want to give any work. I generally don’t like to tell others
Me: Not just to me? I only thought you wanted to work on it that’s why
X: I want to do it.. But why should I get it done by you. It is a lot of work sometimes and I don’t like to keep favours.
Me: Because you think I would expect something more from you? Did I ever call in a favour?
X: It seems so by these conversations. You don’t but you expect, that’s only natural.

How can I ever be the same after this conversation? Neither that I expect the other person to behave the same way as earlier after this. But what are the chances that two people have felt this way – especially after I thought we knew each other well enough. Maybe that is the problem – I thought.

Far Behind

So today I woke up with this thought in my head, a feeling which I was used very much used to carry around. What made a difference is actually watching someone else go through the same emotions. Before all this, I may have been oblivious to the feeling but now I am not so sure what to make of that – other than thinking that we all need to move beyond our past, take control (easier said than done, but you have to start somewhere eh?)

Here are the thoughts put together in a song:

Stayed awake through endless nights
Worrying about more wrongs than rights
You leave behind this shadow with the break of light
Only for the sunset to bring back the fight

You think you weren’t made for the world
And it wasn’t made for you
You got to walk through this life
The way that you want, for you

Even though the wounds are fresh
Memories on your mind, all the time..
For the world looking at you, all you’d say “I’m fine”
But really all you gotta do
When times are so slow
And as if swimming against the flow

You go to leave them, all the worries
Oh you got to leave them, all the pain
Far, far, far behind

Misunderstandings

It has been couple of weeks since I came to actualization that life isn’t fair (maybe I was too naive). I know it seems too cliche because you have heard this so many times before, however there comes a moment when it strikes you – not because people told you but when you have faced the reality.

Like I said in an earlier post, you need to draw the line at some point – which clearly divides what you can, want and what you really need. Obviously it’s not as easy as merely saying it. In the last fews weeks, there have been few disagreements with some of the people I really hold close to my heart – what hurts more is the part that I let them down, led to this confusion (when I really didn’t mean to) and then reacted in stupid/childish ways. Some might say, it’s the way of life, people come around if they are meant to, give them time and things would be alright and so on. But that just eats me up owing to the fact that it was all my undoing, and I should have done better.

Let me rewind it a little so that there is a bit more of perspective to what I am referring to. A month or two back I had stumbled upon something which really enlightened me on the way that I looked at myself, others, my interaction with people, and how they perceived my behaviour (I will come back to this specific topic in a while). This came around the time when things weren’t really going well and I was at a loss of a reason to figure out the ‘why’ of it all (I think that might be worth a different post). This is when I tried out the Myers–Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) test and the outcome was INFJ, sometimes referred to as Counselors who are apparently the rarest type, making up only 1% or less of the population.

Uteliggeren - No One is Only What you SeeWe are extremely private, very observant, little bit creative, highly sensitive and sometimes downright obsessive. I believe the first few aspects are usually visible to all whenever they come across any person with such traits but what really makes or breaks us (INFJs) is the sensitivity. We feel the emotions in the most surreal of manners – not only our own, but also of the people who we care about. It really tears us apart to not being able to help out in any given situation. Although the world doesn’t sees it as our problem to deal with, we (for some unknown reason) feel the personal responsibility to do everything in our capacity to help out.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? Would have nearly seemed like I was bragging about it. Well, there is a flipside to that. The emotional awareness and high sensitivity puts us up in a situation where we, at times, do more harm to ourselves and others. It takes a toll on us to continuously put our mind in the other person’s shoes for every single conversation that we have with them – often not realizing that we might just be making it way more complicated than it was supposed to be. We dwell in them by playing through all the scenarios right down to the worst possible outcome. This can easily go on to an unhealthy level where you can’t think clearly enough, but still feel the urge to resolve a problem – which in several of the recent cases were due to poor judgement on my part.

While I thought I was being open-hearted to them and thought (to myself) that being completely honest about the circumstances would be the best way forward, it clearly didn’t turn out that way. I presumed that I could balance all the different emotions, live up to all the expectations (others’ as well as my own) and still be able to be true to myself. But as it turns out.. what you do, what you get and more importantly ‘why’ would not necessarily be seen the way you meant it; all you would be left with is the feeling of being misunderstood as you go through life yearning for the people to really get you.

Sometimes all of this just makes me think, shouldn’t I take a few steps back and keep it all to myself? In the past, I have ‘relapsed’ on this thought several times and not sure if it is actually possible but it becomes a mental conflict when this comes in the way of harmony with the people I care about. Maybe I am a sucker for all of this. All that said, I am really sorry to have hurt the people who put their trust and faith in me.

Photo: “Uteliggeren – No One is Only What you See” by Anne Worner / CC BY-SA 2.0

PS: I used to think I had good command over written words but given how things have gone down recently, the following message sums it up perfectly. (Maybe its easier to choose the words when you are writing a message on behalf of someone else as you don’t have to face the response)

Pain is your own reality

“People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that’s bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they’re afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they’re wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It’s all in how you carry it. That’s what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you’re letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain.”

Jim Morrison